I woke up the next morning with a heavy head. Was kinda stoned at work and when he called during lunch time, I was almost having dementia and paused for a moment before recalling him as the guy who sent me home the night before. He asked to meet me at night. I said no as I had a gathering with my JC classmates that evening. I remembered him repeating, "Please. All I ask is an opportunity."


I almost wanted to yell at him. What was his problem man. I really had to meet my friends tonight and not giving him excuses. "I really got to meet up with some ex-classmates tonight," I explained patiently, "but perhaps we can have coffee after that." He agreed and hung up. But that night after dinner with the ladies, I was very tired and merely sms-ed him that I would like to head home to sleep. He seemed ok in his reply.

For the next few days, we exchanged short sms-es, phone chats and he added me on ICQ where we exchanged some brief conversations. It was through one of the ICQ chats that I found out he was American and had only been in Singapore since Septemeber. He shared with me about life in San Francisco and the few years where he was based in Sydney. It was interesting. Unfortunately, we never got to meet up as he left for Korea after a week and came back after 1.5 months. We exchanged emails and phone calls daily during the time he was away.

When he got back in early January, we hung out and met up almost everyday. I actually enjoyed being with him. Having been single for so long, I sorta got annoyed if I were to meet the same guy more than once a week. To think I actually looked forward to meeting him. It was not long before I realised that I was really fond of him. I would say he shared the same sentiments too.

However, I guess life does not always turn out the way we want it and many a time, timing plays a really important role when it comes to starting a relationship. After hanging out for drinks on a Saturday night, I received a phone call from him on Sunday morning when he was at the airport. He told me that he needed to go Korea again. For a month. He promised to be back in a month. And I waited. A month passed. He never returned. He called and emailed everyday but he just could not leave Korea as the project was still in its pipeline. Another month passed and he still could not return. I was disappointed and I grew really tired of yearning for the daily phone calls and emails. Most importantly, I felt that he had not kept his promise. I was disappointed.

He finally returned in April. 2 months late, or so he said. We tried to meet up but our timing clashed and suddenly one week later, he was back in Korea. He did not inform me and apologised profusely over email. The daily long distance emails and phone calls regiment started once more. I was truly saddened that he chose to leave again though he kept saying he did not have a choice. I always believe that everyone has a choice and he made his by choosing this company. Sigh.

After another 2 months, he came back in June. We met up briefly for dinner and it felt kind of strange. After that I received a phone call from him asking me to go to Burma with him for a vacation as he would be joining his friends there. It was too sudden and I could not leave my work. He left to join his friends. We did not meet up at all. We exchanged emails once again and though he was water rafting and going through all sorts of adventure with his peers in Burma, he tried to email me whenever he could from some cyber cafe there. And perhaps the trip made him feel that we were both wasting each other, his emails got fewer and finally after another 2 months, I emailed to ask if he was back in Singapore. He replied that he was but did not want to meet me. All email correspondence stopped after that. Perhaps it was for the better and I was seeing someone else too.

Somehow, the emails and phone calls started once more in September. It was dragging for so long. Like a roller coaster ride. He got called back to Korea again then and I had missed chatting with him so much. He has always been really sweet and sensitive and most importantly, he gives really impartial advices whenever I ask him. He is just like my confidant and lending me a shoulder to lean on. He cheered me up when I was down and would crack jokes to make me laugh when I was despondent. The immense care and concern he had showered me was endless.

Eventually he returned in December and it had been more than a year since we met. Time really flew and it had been a real bumpy journey for both of us. We met twice during that one week and off he left for Korea again. It was a sudden decision too and when he called me, he was transiting in Japan. Honestly, I was devastated. I did not know what was wrong with this man, or myself for that matter.

When 2006 came, my New Year resolution was to forget him. He told me he would be back after 2 months. I did not even bother to think anymore. The emails and calls started for the umpteenth time. I no longer yearned for the calls and emails though I still missed chatting with him. He did not return after 2 months, but half a year later.

Yes, we met about 3 weeks ago. He has aged so much since we last met. Work and fatigue have really exhausted him. He was haggard and looked really weary. That night, he had a meeting till 10pm but he looked me up at Zouk. Phyllis saw him too and even Phyllis could not recognise him. The first time I met him was also the first time Phyllis met him. Been 1.5 year and this time frame has worn him down. My heart was heavy and was really saddened by what this job has done to him. We chatted for a while and I casually mentioned that he would never be able to get involved in any relationship until he got himself stablised. He agreed too.

We parted soon after and had intention to meet the next day after his dinner with clients. Unfortunately, I was tied up the next day and we did not meet up. We did not contact till 2 days later when he called and told me that work was getting complicated. I pressed him and asked if he got to go back Korea again but he did not want to answer me. He answered in forlorn that he would tell me when he was more stable emotionally. He admitted then that he felt really disoriented and could not think properly. He met his colleagues to chill out that night and sms-ed me after that that he felt better. And that was the last time I heard from him.

I tried calling him a few times after that and sms-ed twice but to no avail. I believe that he probably got forced back to Korea again and did not know how to break the news to me once more. I guess it was not easy for him too, having to disappoint someone repeatedly after the endless promises made. Perhaps it is better this way. He need not feel bad that he actually made empty promises anymore. I realise that men usually avoid problems when they are not within control. I do not blame him and will never blame him. How can I blame someone who really tries his best yet cannot take control of his life? He mentioned before that he believed in destiny. Perhaps this is his destiny.

I felt sad. The doldrums in me were overwhelming. And I really hope that all is well with him. He has been as persistent and determined as can be. I guess it is time to end. This unique yet ambiguous relationship. He has had a special place in my heart and though everything has come to a closure, the memories will remain, locked in a special corner of my heart.

Thank you, Ken. For everything.